Lenten Testimony

How has my faith informed my resilience? You know how sometimes you have to start with what something is not to get at what it is? In order for me to tell you about my faith, I need to start by talking about my doubt. The Rev. Martin Copenhaver once wrote: “Some of us live lives of faith diversified by doubt. Some of us live lives of doubt diversified by faith.”

I land firmly in the latter camp. I used to really struggle with this. I used to pine after certainty, thinking there I would find security. If I were able to believe X or Y about God; if I were able to hold Q tenant of orthodox Christianity, then I would be okay. Thing is, belief does not come easy for me. I doubt, I reject, I reconsider; I go toe-to-toe with God about each and every little bit of it.

Or, I used to. At some point, I gave up the struggle to have it all figured out. I moved from needing certainty to embracing mystery. Embracing the mystery is a gentler place for me, but it is not always helpful when I need something to hold on to. Thankfully, all the stripping away of my faith as I wrestled with doubt revealed the faith that’s been there the whole time.

So, this is what I’ve got. This is what I hold to in the midst of the tensions and contradictions and unknowings of my life. Four things:

1. God likes me. I know, too, that God loves me, but sometimes I need something more human-sized. God likes me. Exactly as I am. Enjoys hanging out with me. God desires for me a life of meaning, delight, friendship, and healing.

2. God is present with me. Always. Through it all. God does not run. Sometimes I forget this. That’s when I call on a friend and they remind me, and I remember I am not alone.

3. God created me for community. This keeps me reaching out, especially when I want to hide because of my insecurities. I reach out, and I am listened back into speech and I am loved back into life.

4. Resurrection happens. I trust that for all the little deaths that have punctuated my life – hardship, challenge, loss – these do not have the final word. All the events and circumstances that diminish my vitality for a time – these are not the end of my story. God’s restorative activity is at play, always.

Four things. God likes me. God is present with me. God created me for community. Resurrection happens. A far cry from the litany of what I used to believe, and, it is enough. It is enough. Thanks for letting me share.